I seem to be living in a time warp these days.  Perhaps it's because the holidays have snuck up on me too fast, and the thought of families on both sides being together in a confined space is the reason my soul has begun to shake with karmic anticipation.  I can't believe how fast this year has gone, and how much has happened.  The paradigm shift we are entering will only pick up speed and cause mind boggling change, which as a result of my free falling dream months ago, I fear less and less.  Trusting the universe and our own personal instincts at this point is so important.  I try to keep a level head when the world feels like it's spinning out of control.  That isn't to say that I'm very good these days at helping other people keep a level head.  There is a test of wills every day at my house and I often grow weary of explaining over and over again how things work at our house.  Any grade below a C for the week, and the x-box and computer keyboard stay at the office.  Last night they seemed to believe since it was Thanksgiving vacation the rules should change...but they don't and when I checked their grades this morning (they are listed on-line...so cool) one had them up and the other down.  That will offer some interesting dymanics this weekend...which of course will prove to be the only moments that move slowly for me.  Yet, I am thankful.  It's all part of the job...and the desire to slam my head against the wall will be fleeting, I'm sure.

 

Dreamland...so strange, so compelling, so covert.  

I had an upsetting discussion with my oldest child yesterday about a controversy with a new game that has a strategy to kill civilians.  Not only was I appalled, but my son's remarks were so nonchalant that I got really upset.  He said, yeah..I don't think it's a good idea, but I respect the gamers for living outside the box...to which I responded...after I went around and picked up the pieces of brain matter that splattered all over the wall as a result of my HEAD EXPLODING... You have to be kidding me...not to step on anybody's civil liberties here...THAT IS INSANE.  The definition of living outside the box is because you're solving a problem that standard means can not answer...Exploding people to solve a problem is never and answer.  To which he replied, that the gaming community had great discussions about it.  Of course, non of the discussion involved how we desensitize people to extreme violence by programming neuropathways to respond to a violent situation with violence by playing a game over and over.  I asked him how people create habits, and when his eyes rolled back into his head because he knew what was coming, I told him this: "Right now your eyes rolling back in your head is a programed response to when I challenge you on a difficult subject...or because I'm lecturing you.  You didn't even have to think about it...you just responded."  He got real quiet and said he rather spend time looking into his head than answer my question.  It can't end here, it is upsetting to see how entertainment revolves around blowing things up, crashing cars and being dragged into hell (the movie my wonderful archeologist nephew brought while he watched my children this weekend).  I fear for our future, and our inability to think outside of the box....

A friend emailed this to me...I couldn't stand my shoes anymore...the reason I look like a troll

Usually November is full of gray rainy days, blowing wind and barren branches and temperatures that chill through fall jackets.  This year, though, we have been spoiled with the kind of weather that we usually call Indian summer in late September and October.  It has been really hard to concentrate...on anything.  I could walk for miles with just my ipod and a water bottle it's just been that perfect.  I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, because in this part of the country it always does.  It's the one thing that tempers my Pollyanna attitude...or beats into submission really.  It seems funny how too much optimism can turn you into a cartoon.  That isn't saying that living in the midwest is roughing it by any means, but I can always rely on the weather which often is never tame or kind to toughen up my hide.  But lately?  She is too soft and I am feeling complacent and lulled into a somatized stupor.  The frigid weather is coming, of that I can be sure...but it's harder to be ready for it this way...

 Chicago was so much fun!  Hopefully there was alot of money raised for Our Children's Homestead.  I was not incharge of the camera, so when other's email me theirs, I'll post more.  It is just good to get away some times and rejuvenate.

 

This weekend Steve and I will head to Chicago (actually the Aboretum in Lisle, Il) for a charity ball raising funds for an organization called "Our Children's Homestead" that creates a safe living enviroment for troubled youth, often stuck in the foster system.  While I'm looking forward to spending time with great friends, spending the last few days looking for a ball gown...which if I knew anything at all is an endevor that must take place weeks in advance.  Every dress I tried on was at least two feet too long.  Either I hadn't noticed that I'm a dwarf living amongst elves or the only women who attend charity balls are tall and wear 6 inch heels.  Anyway, I found a beautiful dress but even after a quick hem job by my mother in law, it is still too long and I have to buy tall shoes.  I'm sure Steve will love it, but I'll be paranoid of falling all night long.  There will be pictures.

My son commented after school yesterday that he was shocked at how controversial Galileo was for teaching the world revolved around the sun vs everything revolving around earth.  I replied that we all like to think that we are the center of the universe, that and noone embraces a paradigm shift easily.  It's easier believing in the same set of rules, or truths even when there is evidence to the contrary.  The best thing is to keep an open mind, and be cautious at the same time.  When I think of all the advances in technology alone that my sons will be privy to throughout their lives it is essential that they keep an open mind for the future.  I did remind him of what George Santayana said, "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it"  I don't think he fully appreciated what that statement fully meant.  I do think that every generation thinks they are the smartest and the best and can hardly conceive of themselves as ancient or out of date.  I do feel like the human function part of life took precedence over the technological...meaning we had to do things for ourselves instead of letting a machine do it for us.  It's my hope we don't phase our humanity out of the equation.  I'm ok with not being the center of the universe, but would still like to be an integral part of it.  The world is changing, of that we can be sure...I don't think people realize just how much.  My free falling dream is taking on increased importance every minute that passes by.  Recognizing patterns can be burdensome because most people don't want to hear it, or they just ignore it.  I fear they won't survive.

I picked up a book at Target a couple of weeks ago, breaking my own book buying moratorium because I simply had to have it.  It was a rewrite of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice with the addition of zombies.  I wasn't able to begin reading it until this last weekend and it literally made me laught out loud.  My eldest son, curious I suppose that I was actually laughing for once...due to the fact that all electronics are banned including DVRing their favorite shows until grades are satisfactory...and when I showed him the title of the book he was astounded...his own mother was reading a book with the word "zombie" in the title and was actually liking it!  I found no problem with the major characters as experts in the marshal art of killing zombies,all while immersed in society and romance.  I  was actually proud how well Elizabeth could manuever her sword.  Connor was perplexed because I don't really appreciate violence.  So I told him that I have now expanded my position to include using weaponry in the case of killing zombies.  He gave me a smirk and was glad I could change with the times.

I seem to run into trouble these days with my budding teenagers, with regard to accountability, homework, language, lying etc., etc.  For spending much of my career working with teenagers, this is hard for me to swallow.  Not that I never rebelled as a teenager, I think the lack of filter on my mouth and general inablilty to master the art of deception was the reason that I tended to walk on the straight and narrow...besides I always carried a deep seeded belief that eventually my quick karmic turnaround would throw every deception back in my face anyway.  What is even more frustrating is that my sons also seem to have the quick karma gene but without my aptitude for common sense.  They both seem to believe that if they follow an infraction with this phrase, "But it's not my fault"  followed quickly by the indignity of not being believed and the noise of the following insurrection to try and deflect punishment.  It NEVER works.  I keep thinking they will learn from experience and from my constant reminder that people who never take responsibility for their actions are LOSERS.  Yes, I tell them that...It is best to tell the truth, especially since the culture they live in thrives on rationalizing their behavior away.  Not in my house.  I know their frontal lobes are barely working, and I try to be patient, but I swear it's like watching someone hit their thumb over and over again with a hammer.  I want to yell, "How stupid are You?"  But I know that would be mean, although I'm sure they can read that thought on the constant look of incredulity that I wear on my face...that and the fact that I look down at my shoes and shake my head about 100 times a day.  I know you must think that I am blind to the fact that I too was once a teenager.  Seriously, you should ask my parents.  I didn't do shit like mine do.  I never felt particularly afraid of my parents, and by the time I was a teenager, I realized that the fear I had of the nuns at my school as a child was simple pent up sexual frustration on their part.  It just didn't seem to make sense, knowing what could happen, to blame someone else for my choices.  That is my simple wish today for my boys...that they learn to reap what they sow and man up to the choices they've made, especially the stupid ones.  I don't mock them or lecture them or say I told you so.  I ask them what the consequences should be and follow through.  I think that is what bothers them the most...that they know what's right, but can't stand the thought of the discomfort that comes with it.

I'm just waiting for the witch trials to begin.  The insanity that surrounds the H1N1 right now actually has me wonder if they will start burning those that refuse to succumb to the will of much of western medicine.  Pharmacuetical companies who feed the frenzy with stories of tragic deaths all to pressure the public into being vaccinated with out alot of statistical evidence backing them up, and they stand to make billions of dollars on this crisis.  There is so much fear about getting sick, but not enough I gather, to take the appropriate measures to strengthen their immune system.s  I can't say enough about how important it is to learn to live in an organic world.  The more sterilized we get the more we perpetuate virulant diseases.  I'm not saying to throw away good hygene, but use some good common sense people!   Wash your hands, yes but don't freak out.  At church last Sunday the pastor actually told people to smile at the handshake of peace to stave off any potential spread of the disease.  I'm sure Jesus is shaking his head right now wondering if humanity will ever get it.  It takes one story of death from a unusual complication to put everyone into a frenzy, but somehow when there is a story about a vaccine related complication, it is quickly dismisses as a fluke.  Does anybody act concerned at how quickly this new vaccine was put out?  I wonder how they got beyond the usual protocols for imposed for our safety.  I certainly won't get it.  First, because I don't get the flu, and second, from all the information I've read the H1N1 is far less severe than other flu strains.  I say just breathe people and put your common sense hats on.  Drink lots of water, get plenty of rest eat foods rich in antioxidants, get exercise and regular adjustments and you'll be fine.

When I was in law school, I used to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" when my little guys were eating supper and I needed a hefty dose of light entertainment.  I found it just smart and cheeky enough to take my mind off business or tax law or the many, many papers and outlines I was up to my ears in all the time.  When we regard evil, I find that a sense of humor cannot go out the window.  I can appreciate a smarmy comment as one of the undead would try to foil our heroine.  In dreamland last night, while surrounded by vampires and nervously awaiting the arrival of Buffy and her arsenal I remember thinking that I wasn't being very funny...or slayerish.  I didn't like being the one protected, even though I knew it was necessary because I didn't have a clue....that was the clincher, that I didn't have a clue.  We often don't, you know, what to do when face with a monster as frightening as one who wants to drain you of your life force.  Mine, thanks to much slaying and none done by me, is still quite in tact.  Afterward, I was placed on a couch to rest after my ordeal...I didn't much like that either.

 

Today is nothing but rain and multiple cups of tea...spiced ginger today.  I need a bit of calming after a phone call from the middle school that my son lost his trumpet...the $600 one we just finished paying for LAST WEEK!

Dreaming for me is as habitual as eating.  I've always dreamed vividly and with complete use and memory of my senses.  Lately, however I wake up sometimes in between worlds where I see a vision of sorts in the darkness of my room, above me as I lie in bed.  Not necessarily extensions of the dream, but observers in some capacity and when the dream concludes and I am just waking I see them and it really bugs me.  Perhaps its because I'm not sure if I'm totally cognisant yet, and kind of freaky that someone or things is standing over me waiting for me to wake up.  God, I hope I don't start seeing dead people too.  I don't mean to be so cantakerous, but I get freaked out at how cold I get at the same time it is happening.  I see enough people in dreamland, I don't want spirits lurking around me too.  This whole new development is too tiring.  But I'm a trooper, I guess.

 

This is the time of year that I clean closets and deposit all the ill fitting, out grown or just those clothes that make me wonder what I was on when I bought them.  I feel lighter, less complicated and alot more organized.  Although my closet isn't probably like alot of woman who love to shop, it still gets cluttered.  Now there is room for change and growth....

As much as fixing the malware on my computer was an incredible pain in the ass, it got me thinking.  Why use such genius, the kind that can create such virtual destruction, and mess with peoples already messy lives?  Why not use it for more altruistic purposes?  Perhaps the concept of karma, what comes around goes around, is completely lost.  Maybe they are making up for a horrible experience of being picked on in the seventh grade, maybe their homelife was horrible, or they lost their  jobs and desperate to pay bills...or maybe they are just complete ASSHOLES!  I hope their fingers fall off.  If I were a witch, I put a pox on their houses.  If I were in the mob, I'd put things under their fingernails.  If I were a member of the NRA I'd pull out my AK47.  But alas, I am none of these.  As much as the volume of my voice can wake the dead, it doens't do much for cyber criminals.  So I would like you to ponder the wasted resources it takes to create chaos, when the nature of things is in a continual progression toward order.  As messy as you think you make things, in all honesty, all things will eventually be well.  And while it was torturous to problem solve my way out of my computer problems I do take solice in the fact that they will get their comeuppance some day...and I hope I will be to watch.

My computer is still messed up, so I quickly borrowed one from a friend to say that alot is going on and dreamland is WILD.....Will we comprehend the changes coming?

My computer has a malware....so I'll be back in awhile, you'll just have to wait.

As I sat at work today, two lovely ladies equipped with Gideon Bibles came into the office wondering if there was any need for a bible.  I said, that no there really wasn't given that I myself was a theologian.  "What about the doctor?"  she quickly replied, which put me off because there was absolutely no reaction to the fact that this receptionist/chiropractic assistant in scrubs proclaimed an advanced degree.  When I replied he was my husband and therefore was also fully equipped with bibles, she pushed further..."Surely you patients could use a free bible."  I said less enthusiastically, "Well we don't have reading material unless it's specific to their condition because we like to get people in and out...but I assure you we create the atmosphere that Jesus talked about, love and healing."  She looked at me as if I had sprouted horns...thanked me and left.  Would accepting free bibles given her soul more solice than treating people according to the words written?  We are so obsessed with the tangible constrictions of a thing, like a book or a title that we often forget that the essence of those things is what is most important.  I don't need the presence of a book to create an environment of love.....

Riley called me on the phone in a panic and said, "Mom there's a bat in our garage and it growled at me!"  I responded, "Bats don't growl"  So he sent me a picture....I'll have to rethink the growling bit...

TOTALLY GROSS!!!!

Here is proof of all the towels I used to clean up the flood from last week...Here is the new floor I was trying to protect...

Also note that this floor will probably never be this clean again

I can't believe how flat I feel!  Between teenage angst and the weather, I seem to have zero energy these days.  This is a good indication that I have to be vigilant about a good health regimen.  Accordingly, there is chaos in dreamland...celebrities who don't listen, Wentworth and' Amaury to name a few, and I really don't understand why, perhaps they put too much stock in their celebrity status.  In dreamland the playing field is level, societies' hierarchies have no hold there...although many would like to believe that they do.  Our status in this world is the least significant part of fulfilling our purpose on the planet.  I try to remember that when I am overwhelmed by the tedious nature of helping boys grow in a world full of corruption and moral ambiguity.  I think the reason there are so many actors in my dreams is because of the powerful influence of modern story telling on culture, and that somehow we all play a part in this human drama.  We can learn things from fiction...they can be a guidepost, as you will for helping us play out scenarios in our own lives, or simply give us something to hope for...otherwise, doing what's necessary can be to hard.