This morning, when the alarm rang in that irritating way that forces one out of a graceful slumber, it was pitch black out.  At first I thought that one of the boys had been messing with my alarm clock, but when I leaned over to shut it off I could see the correct time.  Where did the sun go?  What happened to summer?  My bathing suit isn't even worn out yet.  My flowers are still blooming and our lawn hasn't turned brown in defiance of the hot August weather.  Even though I am ready for my children to go back to school.  I AM NOT READY FOR FALL, WHICH IS REALLY ONLY A PRECURSOR TO WINTER.  My abs still need perfecting and I didn't drink enough wine.  I thought I still had time for one more toe color and pedicure, and more wine.  I haven't done all that I wanted to do this summer, the specifics of which aren't relevant but it certainly included DRINKING MORE WINE.  This was my summer to delve into celebratory or depression induced drinking that comes from living in crazy town.  I was too busy attending sporting events, working, parenting , buying food and cooking it only to turn around and see that I needed to do it all over again.  My free fall is picking up speed and g-forces from many dimensions are causing my cheeks to flap.  I don't look pretty with flapping cheeks, so I just want the free fall to STOP for a moment so I can enjoy breathing warm, instead of the cold air that I know is coming.

I am generally never frightened in my dreams...to be honest, I never have strong emotions there.  Last night, I dreamed that I had an audition, and although my mind told me I was perfect for this role, I was terrified, the fight or flight kind...and I was clearly in a flight mode.  I thought it was kind of humorous, because I started thinking how I could persuade them to just give me the part without having to go through something I had clearly no idea how to do...not that I would have a clue how to act either.  I actually laughed when I woke up.

 

Lately my dreams have been darker, more challenging and full of people.  Last night I dreamt that Brad Pitt came to my house, and was pleased with the layout and decoration (it wasn't my regular house which used to be laid out well, but now is full of clutter, man clothes and food remnants)  anyway, I was perplexed, to say the least, as to why he was there and why all of my husband's workout buddies were psyched to meet him.  I went down stairs where it was packed with people, most of whom had blue and white baseball uniforms on.  Someone had asked a question and I responded with a sardonic remark and everyone started laughing...I thought to myself that there are just too many people in dreamland these days, but it nice to have a break from darker events. 

 

On another note, I am counting down the days until the boys go back to school.  One starts highschool, the other starts football. (school sports aren't available until the seventh grade)  My house will be cleaner and I will actually have food that lasts more than a day.  Both boys have grown exponentially this summer and by the size of their feet it looks like they're not done.  It will be nice to have a better scedule, with sports being scheduled after school instead of at night.  Perhaps then, they will actually get their homework done.  I'm looking forward to quieter and bigger things.

Because of a frightful parent meeting for our son's swim team, where it was usurped by one of the facilities we rent from (which is 35 miles away while the other is one mile from my house) leaving us no longer able to swim, I just couldn't sleep...So as I often do, I turned on the TV.   I watched the movie, "Becoming Jane"  about the life of Jane Austen.  I couldn't help think of how she would feel witnessing the chaos and immaturity of many of the people present at the meeting I attended, some of whom run their own businesses for God's sake.  People really haven't evolved that much.  As much as propriety and social limitations were oppressive to women, a world that has no propriety or behavioral expectations isn't any better.  When poor logic is challenged  in a straightforward and respectful manner and is countered with insults for questioning that logic in the first place (because I was a woman) attempting to belittle challengers in the crowd, I think Jane would have been very angry, to say the least.  When I countered with this question, "Isn't this kind of dialogue necessary for growth?  Isn't this very country based on spirited dialogue?  To believe that you have a right to impose something that will drastically change our lives, and expect me not to question it is completely ridiculous!  I was very calm, very rational...but you would have thought that I called him a poopy butt, or insulted his mother given the amount his blood pressure went up.  The whole crowd was so freaked out about conflict, it just got ugly.  We should be able to disagree without a challenge to our moral character.  It sucked, and I could hardly sleep, and when I did I dreamt of all sorts of dogs and cats coming into my house...weird I know.  So watching Jane brought me some comfort...

So, people have asked me what I do to stay so healthy.  So here goes, 1) I get my spine adjusted 4/wk, (which I did even before I married a chiropractor) 2) I do cardio for an hour 4/wk and weight training for an hour 3/wk.  I take vitamin D, Coenzyme Q10, omega threes (from the greenlip mussel from New Zealand the most powerful and effective in the world...also blended with the sauvignon blanc grape seed, a powerful anti-oxidant...the company's name is Moxxor) and a good multivitamin every day.  I also make a good whey protein shake on days I work out.  I always eat dark leafy greens, there is no iceburg lettuce in our house.  I do buy organic, well, I just don't trust pesticides, and organic chicken and grass fed beef.  It makes a huge difference.  We rarely get sick, I think the fish oils especially have helped any inflamation issues etc.  We do focus a great deal on what we put in our mouths, it may cost a bit more at the grocery store, but we certainly save on medical costs...meaning we really have none, beyond our insurance premium.  Staying healthy takes work, but we also have fun with our workouts, and if I must say so myself, I'm a great cook and no one complains about the food, well most of the time anyway.  I believe moderation is the key, so we do indulge every once in awhile...but it's all about balance.  In America, we invest in our pensions for retirement, but not as easily in our own bodies.  That, my friends makes no sense whatsoever, what good is retirement when your body is too broken down to enjoy it?  Are we such a youth driven culture that anyone can actually believe that you can treat your body poorly today by unhealthy habits and not think you will ever have to reap what you sow?   I'm sorry for being in lecture mode, but the times are ripe to develop new behaviors.  Every one is freaking out about health care, and what the changes will bring.  The change should start with the individual first and foremost by embracing wellness.  I get angry when person after person has a sense of entitlement when it comes to healthcare.  No one owes us anything.  Insurance companies may have been taking premiums for years, but many Americans have overutilized medicines because there was little to no financial obligation on their part.  I see it every day.  People expect to be "fixed"  with no part to play in their recovery.  We've sent more people away because Steve will tell them that he can't fix them without their complete involvement in the process.  As much as I complain about living in crazy town, the most sanity is found in our health choices...giving us all the more energy to drive one another crazy.

Right now, I haven't seem a patient in about 30 minutes, which NEVER happens here....because we are in the middle of A TORNADO WARNING/WATCH.   I am having so much fun!  I love the craziness.  When the first siren went off, we're required to go to the lower offices, which is the dentist and hang out.  After the third, with no action we came back up here, to people waiting outside our locked door, you gotta love Wisconsinites, who will leave their homes even in the midst of bad weather to make their appointments.  I love all the clouds and all the chatter about when and where the tornadoes have touched down.  I've lived all my life in a tornado zone, one even took out the end of my street when I was growing up...nothing to do but watch in scary awe as mother nature rocks!  Today's business wasn't as lucrative as normal, BUT IT WAS FUN!

Remember that Saturday Night Live skit years ago entitled "The Whiners"?  Well, we had a patient like that come in this morning who didn't stop whining and sighing the whole time they were here.  Most often I am compassionate when people come in here who are in pain.  This person?  After an hour of that pitchy, screechy and ok I'm just going to say it...BITCHY attitude, I just wanted to smack them and tell them that I'd give them something to whine about.  For the love of God, even my children don't get on my last nerve as much as this person did.  I know they're probably in victim mode, and have all sorts of baggage that was probably never dealt with...but it took so much strength to even deal with them.  The best thing? Steve actually felt the same way, and then didn't take them on as a practice member.  I actually did a little dance around his office.  He knew they wouldn't do what was necessary to get better.  I guess they'll have to find a clinic that is whiner friendly.   P.S. small town small world, this said person complained to another one of our patients who stated very clearly that Steve saved her life, only for them to respond..."Well my chiropractor told me he was all about the money..."  Not very professional, I guess the chiro didn't want this person either! 

 

There is shift in balance in dream land...I  could feel it, and the imagery is of people with all sorts of physical anomalies...knee problems, neck issues, head-aches and so on.....

My husband and eldest son have been in Chicago since Thursday, leaving me and my youngest son at home alone.  Since then, I've been a on a fundraising yacht for cocktails, school shopping with my youngest, an overnight in downtown loft with girlfriends, and the general quietness of no sibling fighting or my ADD husband bouncing of the walls because there isn't enough to do.  I did refuse to intercede when my husband called from Chicago asking me to talk to my son to try and get him to do something to which I responded, "he's your son too, I''m not fighting your battles" and hung up.  Mean? perhaps, but it was an assault on how quiet things were here.  I was just making dinner with Riley, we were laughing one minute, and then as soon as I answer the phone...I'm all bitchy again.  I don't know what to do.  I'm tired of my future already.  Freefalling doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere except deeper into misery.  I would be happier with my own carreer, and if I had any clue I would make a plan right now.  Except truthfully, I just don't know what I really feel passionate about, what carreer would excite me and fulfill my need to be a part of the evolution of culture.  Yes, I know how absolutely crazy that sounds especially adding the making enought money at it to survive and thrive.  I also accept that I am already doing something of great value, and just can't see it.  So I pray for panoramic vision...that I can see beyond what I presently see.

I never throw up.  I can count on one hand how many times I have thrown up in my life.  So, after a long and stressful day, losing my kitty and getting my husband and son packed for Chicago, I went out to dinner with a girlfriend.  It was lovely...until two hours later when my body suddenly didn't feel like my body anymore.  It was violent and ugly.  All the blood drained from every part of my body to it's digestive functions and worked like soldiers hit with an alien invasion to rid the poison from my small frame.  I literally remembered what labor felt like.  My hair was soaked with sweat, and the continual cramping was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  There was even one point when I thought to myself, "Is this the time when any rational person would call 911, because I literally WANTED TO DIE.  My husband was asleep in the guest room, once the fireworks started and he pretty much figuired out what it was, he went to sleep.  His logic was that he had to get up at 4:15 in the morning to drive he and my eldest son to the airport...but I, I wanted him to get me a cold cloth and hold my hair.  But he doesn't do vomit, or me being sick at all.  So in the wee hours of the morning I evacuated every fluid that wasn't holding onto a vein in my body.  I can see the back of my head, that is how sunken in my eyes are.  But, as quickly as it started, it stopped.  Exactly one hour before the guys had to get up, I felt fine.  I mean as fine as one can feel turning inside out, but fine.  I called the restaurant and talked to the chef, who was by every indication freaking out.  I just wanted to give him the heads up, I wasn't mad or anything.  I couldn't in good faith keep quiet about that kind of assault on my person.  I did have a greater respect for what a toxin could do to our delicate frames, and how humbled I was having fluids come out both ends.

My cat suddenly suffered from a cardio-myopathy and we had to put her to sleep today.  She's the girly-girl cat, the one who used to kneed our stomaches when we slept.  It was horrible...and sudden...and I am almost embrassed to say, because I never considered myself a cat person, that I miss her already, her mew and soft hair.  I will miss the way she would climb on my lap when I was reading and plant herself in between me and my book so I would be forced to readjust myself so I could see my book.  I will miss just how loud she purred.  She was rendered silent, quickly and without pain.  Her sister Coco was walking around the house wailing.  It was weird how she knew.  I'm sad, but too busy at work to get all teary, I'm sure the time will come.

I LOVE good smells.  Sometimes, living in the woods offers the most wonderful living planet smells, from the plant life to the river.  When it comes to food smells though, my nose gets very lazy living here.  By this time of the summer, the smell of bratwurst and beer pervades every space...except perhaps my house, where the staples tend to be fresh foods, most of which I don't really get around to cooking.  We live on fresh guacamole, pico de gallo, fresh fruit, bread and cheese...and of course my guys go throught pounds of pasta every week as well.  Anyway, I attended a wine and fresh food tasting event on Nicollet Island in Mpls. with vendors from restaurants that use food from sustainable farms around the area, and my nose woke up as if it had been in a coma for the last few months.  I forget how much the blending of great foods bring back certain memories for me.  I know the olfactory nerve is only two synapses away from the amygdala which involves memory and emotion.  Anyway it was a wonderful walk down memory lane and all the great countries and places I've been priviledged to visit.  I was reaffirmed in my personal belief that most things are enhanced when coupled with other unique ingredients, and I appreciate the genius of a good chef.  Now, my nose is acting like a complete primadona and it has been intolerable to smell the deep fried smells of small town wisconsin.  I will have to force myself out of my summer stupor and actually start to cook again...

I was so sad to hear John Hughes died!  His movies were a great inspiration and source of laugher in my young adult years.  His quotable lines from all the greats: Ferris Bueller; Breakfast Club; Pretty in Pink; Family Vacation; Planes, trains, and autoobiles; etc...will be forever a source of wit and a smile for me.  He was able to encapsulate the total experience of highschool, and be funny at the same time.  My kids didn't have a clue who he even was, so it is my quest on this rainy weekend to find a John Hughes film festival somewhere on the millions of channels we have and watch it with them....

 

In dreamland, my house is clean and lowly lit, and I am waiting for something.

My husband injured a disk in his lower back Monday while he was doing a "burpe" at a workout.  I remember doing those in highschool, when you move from a standing position and throw yourself into a squat, then throw your legs out behind you in a pushup, bring your legs back and then complete by standing back up again.  I don't know what he was thinking.  Not only is he 6 foot 4, and he has a hell of a long way to go, he is 46 years old.  He has been walking crooked all week, and is in alot of pain, even while adjusting 60 people a day.  I am quietly doing everything necessary to make life easier...I know the quietly part is hysterical.  But. I. know. back. pain.  And please don't take this the wrong way, it is good for him to go through what many of his own patients are going through.  It give you pause, and empathy.  Hell, it makes you humble and a better doctor.  It helps you not take your health for granted, and how in every painful movement you see how every fluid movement is connected.  I reminded him that what he is feeling right now, is why I don't ride horseback, or water ski, or snowboard anymore.  My body has limits that I respect even when I don't think it's fair that I should...even when I eat what I'm supposed to and do my stretches and excercise faithfully and get adjusted every other day.  Being injured isn't a punishment as much as a wakeup call to respect the body we're walking around in, because it is the only one we have to accomplish what we are put on earth for.  Hopefully my husband will have a greater respect of the limits his body has in the future.  He doesn't like the inactivity, and me having to put on his shoes and socks.

It's amazing to me how we qualify power and who can creat lasting effects in this world.  Power doesn't come from who has the most control over a given situation, or convincing someone that you have it and they don't.  Sure, dictators and despots can bring about chaos for awhile, but eventually they fall.  I believe this because nothing can truly last when it is built on a structure of falsehood.  Because our human scope is limited to pretty much a single generation, I know that it is hard to recognize how falsehood eventually collapses, which is why it is wise to study history so we don't repeat our mistakes.  I think true power rests in being responsible for each and every action you take, and the acknowledgement that none of us live in a vacuum.  Feeling powerless is a fiction, because even the tightest held prisoner still has control of their spirit and has a connection with others.  It makes me sad to see how many people feel powerless these days, and to who or what they give the power to change the situation.  I am reminded of dream I had of the boy hung up in front of a bridge.  We have to stop believing the illusion that we can't affect change, and pray that our sight be clarified so we can see what has been right in front of us all along.

Every once in awhile when the testosterone gets too overwhelming, I host a chick nite.  This past weekend's theme was "North of Highway 8", which loosely refers to all things backwoods, and an excuse for pretty much all bad behavior, i.e. "they must be from north of hwy 8".  I'm generally a kind person, but it took one trip to wallmart north of hwy 8, to give me something to mock.  Mind you, I've had plenty of gatherings where I mock myself and my own flawed character, so I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever mocking those who buy their teeth at the same place you can buy bugspray and budweiser.  Just so you know, I worked real hard on my costume...and I have seen the thong sticking out of the pantline way to often not to include it here (and on much less nicer asses than my own)