Oh! Here is a picture of one of two pigs that dear friends donated to the occasion!

I won't write much now about the party, suffice to say it was truly amazing.  Here are a couple of pictures, I'm sure there is more to come.....50 is great so far, I tried to get over my averion at having my picture taken....But there are tons of others.

If its true that the substance of one's character can be seen through the friends they have...then I AM FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!  I can't wait to merge all the new and old friends poolside this weekend.  This is such a prime example of the greatness of the many roads I've traveled and people I've met along the way, who will merge together to create new roads and new friendships.  I am EXCITED for my birthday Saturday.  This will be one that isn't dismissed or forgotten or celebrated in between sporting events.  I get to spend the day with people I care about...whom I have tamed and have, in turn, tamed me.  My neighbor drove down to the free-range pig farm they own in Iowa yesterday to pick out the pig we will be roasting!  As crude as that may sound to some, I am deeply touched.  I'm thinking 50 will be a great year.

I'm sure this won't be the first time, but my son got dumped for the first time...by email, ending with this phrase: but can't we still be friends?  Ouch.  I won't say anything unless he does, that's the benefit of logging onto his email everyday.  I sucks to be rejected, and I guess I understand a bit better why he's sprouted horns the last few days, but my God he's only twelve, what will he be like when he's older?  I will just say more prayers.

 

As party day draws near, Murphy's law is roaring it's ugly face, the pool sweep has sprung a leak, and they may have to break through the concrete...AND THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!  I don't want to have to worry about anything.  It will be packed with people and can't afford for any space on my patio to be under construction.  I have to remember to just..breath.

Upon answering the phone with my usual greeting, the caller, a greatful patient, responded, "Have I told you lately that I love you?"  It made my day...just saying.

Not all endings are bad.  This marks the year that our yearly jaunt to Jelly Stone Campgrounds is officially over.  Most of my neighbors decided that my 50th birthday pool side bash was just too enticing to miss and only two families felt the urge to actually reschedule for July.  To be honest, the only thing I will miss about this neighborhood tradition is the volume of stories I got to tell afterwards.  Both boys seem unfazed about missing the weekend, mostly because they have moved on to other things, namely band trips, camps, baseball and friends.  The good thing about them growing older is so much of their schedules only include me as a taxi driver, and the bad thing about them growing older is pretty much the same thing.  Now, though, as I look ahead to the changes in my life, it seems a bit awkward to focus in on what my own future will look like.  I figure I have at least another 50 years coming my way and I don't want to waste any of them.  There is much left to be done in this, my short human life.  I dreamt that royalty came to dance with me in a corn field, flattened out in crop circle style.  It was fun, and the only message I kept hearing was that it was long overdue.

I slept in, probably due to weird stuff in dreamland...it's a beautiful day and there is nothing on my schedule for once so I am going to sit, and read, and soak up some sun to burn away the burdens in my brain and heart.  Husband is gone with oldest son to a swim meet and younger son is derservedly just hanging out with the x-box.  The tunes will be playing and perhaps a few chores when I need a break, but that 's it.  For once.

Yesterday a patient came into our office and said that there had been a big accident with kids right up off the highway by our house...at exactly the same time my son was getting a ride with a neighbor girl to band practice.  I literally ran out of the clinic and drove down to where they were marching, almost ruining my son's future in highschool by showing up looking frantic and then practically breaking down in tears when I saw him.  Then, as I was driving home an hour later to drive my other son to baseball, the first son called to inform me that there was a huge accident by our house...to which I replied, "That is why I showed up at band practice like a crazy woman!  I already know about that."  Only there had been another accident, and by the time I got to the top of our hill, traffic was blocked and they were waiting for a life link chopper to land on the highway.  It was awful.  A young motorcyclist rear ended a car making a left turn...no helmet, with shorts on.  The life link didn't end up transporting him because he died at the scene.  My son was there shortly after it happened and saw the cyclist literally smashed into the back of the car.  He was traumatized, to say the least.  It was awful and sad, and given that kids from the first accident were ok, I breathed a sigh of relielf and like my quick karmic turnaround demands I will never bitch, like I did yesterday about driving my kids around again. 

I always remember being really good at multi-tasking.  Once in a flow, it seemed that I could juggle schedules, domestic servitude, excercise, and work or school effortlessly.  These days I seem to be 10 steps behind.  Usually compulsively on time, I seem to be fighting the clock and using my cell phone more and more to apologize for not being exactly where I should be at the stated appointment time.  It may be true that as my sons get older and their schedules and the sheer size of their appetites demands even more time, the end result is to run out of steam once in awhile.  Connor will be a freshman in highschool next fall and that means marching band, and swimming and I guess you wouldn't believe the rest of the stuff he signed up for.  Riley, although is only moving into 7th grade, is now elegible to play school sports and also march in the middle school marching band.  These activites demand clean laundry, multiple food and drink breaks, most of which I get together late at night after everyone is in bed.  This doesn't mean that they sit around idle while I do all the work, both also have to earn some money for their various activities and also need alot of supervision...remember the lack of common sense at my house.  So while I'm trying to help Riley get the mower unstuck in the woods, and Connor can't understand why the vacuum smells like smoke, my husband is yelling in frustration as to why he can't get pictures to download onto his website.  Throw in the ortho, dentist and hair appointments and the cycle is almost continuous until its dark outside.  Now, I am completely aware there are millions of parents doing the same kinds of things every day,  I'm not complaining about that.  I am just amazed at the enormous amount of energy I expend every day just getting in and out of my car.  I can work out for two hours five to six days a week and nothing is more exhausting that lining up their schedules every day and getting them there, hopefully on time.  Today I prayed that we have a thunderstorm so all the evening events would be cancelled and I could lock myself into our screen porch and just read nonstop for a couple of hours...before it gets dark outside.  But alas, the sun just came out and it looks like the evening will be jam packed afterall.  I know, I know, this time in my life will go fast and before you know it they will be both gone to college, but we all need to bitch a little bit once in awhile....Maybe I'll just take a walk to the coffee shop and get a chocolate mint latte, that should pick me up.

Today while walking to the post office, I always run into a host of people and usually chat for a moment or two.  I generally don't fall into town speak, and often speak like I write, (to which people give me a great deal of shit) and...then...I....actually....said....the phrase, "you betcha"  As soon as the words came out of mouth I was immediately taken aback.  My only solice was that the words weren't accompanied by the customary wink and pointed finger.  I need to watch it or soon I'll be attending the local ludafisk night at the Lutheran Church.  I need some Sushi, a fine wine, or maybe a cigarette.

Of course dream land has led me to expound a bit, the specifics would just be confusing... In whatever plane we exist at any given moment, the rules of engagement shouldn't really change.  Love, truth stays the same whether one is physically or psychically present.  The tangible nature of being shouldn't ever change how one would precede in any moment.  To behave differently in like situations because one offers physical verification and the other doesn't cannot alter the truth of either plane, or the core of what drives one to act in a certain way.  The central significance of every choice isn't what will happen as a result, because none of us can predict the future, but what truth drives the choice.  To say that I will act a certain way because no one would get harmed or caught is simply being short sighted avoiding responsibility for the choice.  To say I will act a certain way because personal truth or love propells me to do so, regardless of the situation, is much more consistent.  For me, love, as in truth, isn't malleable...it doesn't change or become redefined by circumstance, rather, I think it actally changes and redefines our circumstances.  Love and truth are so much bigger than we are, so what we see as truthful or loving today may change, if we are willing to see more clearly.  I think God is more interested in choices propelled by truth and love as flawed as they may be, than, well any other kind we could make.

The past week was riddled with the deaths of patients and the parents of good friends.  As a general rule, I hate funerals...as most people do, I'm sure.  More so these days because both my in-laws and my own parents are getting up there in years.  My parents are generally very healthy, but Steve's parents are riddled with health problems and I know that weighs on him.  My son asked me if I was ever sad for the people that died.  I answered truthfully, that no I am never sad for the person that died because I truly believe they transition to someplace greater.  I do feel sad for the people left behind, though.  Today we attend the funeral of the mother of my husband's best friend, who actually lost his father at this time last summer.  I wonder how I would respond to lose both my parents so soon after one another.  Given the war of words I had with my mother last week, I genuinely feel it's important to resolve angry feelings quickly and affirm our love for one another more often than I do presently.  It seems that there are plenty of other kinds of deaths that we've been surrounded with, namely the death of many marriages.  This economy has been really hard on alot of couples in our town and I guess they just haven't been able to rise above the financial stress that comes with it.  I say to them that if they can focus on the phrase "All will be well and all manner of things will be well" that the sting of the loss may be less unbearable...cause, quite frankly, I can't think of anything else to say.  Endings are an inevitable and often painful part of life, but they can lead to good too.  We just have to be willing to open our eyes and expand our vision to see it.

After spending the weekend with my youngest son at a baseball tournament, (which they won, by the way) I was struck at how watching middle schoolers behave at how it really hadn't changed that much since I had worn those same shoes.  Insecruity abounds, they all try to put their cool on, they ALL misread each others actions and feelings are worn on their sleaves, even though they desperately try to hide it with bravado.  My son, who is the tallest on the team, tried to be the funny one, and wasn't always successful.  He' learning that there is a fine line between being funny and being a fool.  He's also learning to be a team member, better than some of the other kids...that success depends on building up the team and not just standing out as an individual star.  I enjoyed my time with the parents, and the fact that we all stayed in a hotel instead of camping, a decision that my princess nature helped influence.  Most of the parents thought I should have been a stand up comedian, to which I replied that I never made up one story I told and perhaps they should simply make a movie of my life...except noone would believe that it truly happens that way.  I'm happy they won, happy I'm home and happy I survived junior high.

I'm not a big fan of pretending that we can erase past actions.  We can atone for them and thereby be transformed.  We can celebrate them and be thankful they led us to a greater place.  We can forgive those whose actions have caused harm and embrace those whose actions have healed or built us up.  But what is done, is done.  How we move ahead is the only thing over which we have any control.  I find it exhausting when people pretend the past out of existence, or never acknowledge its effect on the present.  Because then, everything else that comes afterward rings with falsehood.  Having said that, I think if we were more tolerant of the mistakes that people make, there would be more atonement, forgiveness and certainly a more wise and loving population.  I have to remind myself everyday that I fall short ,that it is ok to make mistakes if I'm willing to learn from them...even when others don't or won't forgive the mistake.  Lately I have to remind myself to breath when I fall short of expectations instead of spiraling downward.  I know I can always do better.  My biggest weakness is to allow myself to believe that my inadaquacies result in being denied what I truly want in life.  I am working on getting over that, and my dreams support that too.  It doesn't mean that it will be easy, but I hold onto the belief that what it is truly meant to be, will be.

When I turned 30, I decided to get my Master's Degree.  When I turned 40 I decided to go to Law School.  Now that I'm turning 50, I know I'm making my husband nervous...but I feel like doing something big, I don't know what, but I always mark the decade with a little transmorgrification of sorts.  When I got my Master's Degree, I planned on opening up my own school.  When I passed the bar, I assumed that I would be actively involved in education reform...none of which didn't really transpire the way I expected, as my life journey rarely does.  I still believe that God's imagination is much better than mine, and so free falling is still my main course of action.  I say this with trepidation because one must be careful what they pray for, but to answer truthfully, I must say that I'm bored with it right now.  I'm tired of healthcare administration and the mess the whole system is in.  I know as long as I'm here, I will do my part to help "fix" what people think healthcare really is, but given that I am also dealing with teenage boys and all that that entails, I just want to do something else for a change...of course something that will actually create income this time (I paid for all my degrees on my own) and something that actually works with my schedule...which is never really consistent.  So I am visualizing change...BIG change, and praying that God's imagination is indeed better than mine, and that the change doesn't mean being put in front of a firing squad or cleaning up...anything.

Just when I thought approaching 50 meant leaving childish ways behind, I suffered the tyrade of my angry mother insisting that I don't care enough about family functions.  Truly, I thought I had gone back in time they way my stomache fell and was immediately immersed in shame...but then I came from good Irish, Catholic stock and realized that guilt is programmed into our DNA.  I did manage to come to my senses and tell her with all the strength I could muster that I wouldn't miss my son's activities for anything and maybe the family should make the trip over the river and come see me once in awhile.  She's angry.  That's scarey.  And I don't care.  My son Connor was quick to say that Grandma Ruth and Grandpa Jack never come up to see his stuff, never a swim meet or a baseball game.  I said sarcastically, "That is the legacy of a middle child..."  To which his reply was quite poignant, "that's sad mom, she never gave you attention either?"  I suppose there would have been more if I had immersed myself in crisis, but self sufficiency was my trade mark.  I know she probably just wants to see me more, but I just got tired of the way she goes about it.  I know that the mother/daughter thing can be tough, especially for one as independent as I am.  I'm just glad that I had an opportunity to change the behavior that my mother could illicit, before I turned 50.  So far I haven't had any horrible emails, or voicemails from her.  I still didn't sleep last night though...oh the power mothers have over us!

Yesterday, I got a well deserved break from the tedium of adoloscent hormones.  I got my AARP card in the mail yesterday! and there was much hooting and howling of laughter at my house.  My stomache hurt from laughing so much.  What did I do?  I taped it on my t-shrit and wore it proudly on my chest at work all day.  Most of the patients were floored, and that made me feel good for a change.  Steve got a lot of distance off of reminding people that I was soon to be 1/2 century old, which was also an opening to the party at our house on the 27th.  Hell, I hope our pool area fits everyone.  Who cares, whoever comes will be welcome.

 

In dreamland a word of thanks, alas I woke too soon ...

I've decided my youngest child can't be mine.  Like Rosemary's baby, I must have been bewitched and given birth to the devil's child.  I kept waiting for his head to start spinning around and the pea soup to start flowing.  Seriously, pubery sucks!  He got his first boy/girl party cancelled today mostly because he let someone copy off his take home test and got caught...the teacher saw that the answers were identical and at least Riley admitted to giving his friend the answers.  Of course his take on the whole thing was that his friend was going to flunk science if he didn't let him copy, and I was all, "well let him flunk!  he didn't do the work!  He will never learn to be accountable if he always gets bailed out."  And he was all "I'm a good friend and you suck, it isn't that big of a deal!  I'm telling my friends to come to my party anyway"  and I'm all, "Oh no your'e not because I will stand at the end of the driveway and tell everyone personally that the party is cancelled....and that you sleep with a night light"  And he's all, "Oh no you would not dare!  I HATE YOU"  and I'm all, "Good, cause cheaters never prosper and I would be a bad parent if I didn't SHOVE THAT BIT OF WISDOM IN YOUR FACE UNTIL YOU LEARN IT!"  Then he stormed off and I, of course breathed and knew the situation could have been handled better.  He gives a new meaning to strong willed, and obtuse.  I fear, irrationally, of course that he will never figure it out...even though I know he's in the throws of hormones and very difficult changes.  He's just, well, so mean about it.  I was never mean, and I know I shouldn't compare my childhood, but I think if I would have ever spoken to either of my parents the way he does, I wouldn't have any appendages left, let alone the mental acuity to use the stubs.  I really don't allow the backtalk, he doesn't have much to take away.  Even his older brother stands in shock at what comes out of his little brother's mouth.  He chalks it up to insanity, because in his mind, of course, he is the poster child for puberty and if he didn't behave that way at that age, then noone else should.  Night time when they sleep and once again look a bit cherubic, I pray, they get over this stage as quickly as possible...and then I have a big glass of wine!