The mass hysteria just has to stop!  Does anybody remember the swine flu breakout from the 1970's?  If you did, you'd realize that we arn't all going to die.  A small theater company in our town, could close their doors because people are afraid of being in a contained building, never mind that there isn't even one single case of flu within 100 miles from here!  People should worry more about all the crap they're putting into their bodies that have brought their bodies to such an unhealthy place to begin with.  There is SO much one can do to strengthen all of our immune systems...namely, eat fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats and exercise.  Avoid packaged foods that are filled with so many chemicals that it barely resembles food after awhile.  Drink alot of water, and get 6-8 hours of sleep.  If this horrible economy has taught us anything, it should be to extend our sight beyond the next day, to what our futures will look like if we don't get committed to health and wellness, and not just to look good in a pair of jeans or a bathing suit, but the kind of health and wellness that can will create a brighter future down the road.  We invest money into retirement funds, why is it so hard to invest the same kind of money into one's body...which is the only vehicle we have to fulfill our dreams?  We have become lazy when it comes to health, if our insurance doesn't pay for it, we won't invest in it either, that is unless it's cosmetic to suck out fat, change an imperfection or inhibit the aging process...  It's a bad practice for alot of reasons, but first and foremost because we probably won't have insurance coverage like we do now.  We have lived on an indulgent assumption that somebody else has to take care of our health problems...that assumption has led this country down the road of sickness care to where the second leading cause of death is medical mistake, one of the most virulent diseases is brewed in hospitals, and because of overuse of antibiotics, we now have superviruses.  I can't forget to mention that we advertise medications like candy on television, to get rid of symptoms of many diseases, but never, ever tackle why the problem exists in the first place.  The blame doesn't lie on the shoulders of medical doctors, although I don't think many of them invest as much time in wellness care as they have in prescribing medications.  Why?  Because it's hard telling someone they have to make major changes if they want to get better, that there is no magic pill to fix their health.  Achieving health is hard work, just like success in our professions, and families takes work so does staying healthy.  There is more to fear from drinking soda, or living without exercise, or smoking and drinking too much than swine flu.  Lets embrace a little common sense here folks, we can make the necessary changes.

I should heed my own advice more often.  In the midst of encouraging someone who was stuck in a bleak outlook for their future, I encouraged them to check in hindsight if things generally worked out for them, and if the struggles they've faced in life have, in the end, brought them closer to reaching their goals.  I'm not sure they fully understood what I was saying, but the second the words came out of my mouth...I did.  In hindsight, my own life's journey is full of fortuitous twists and turns that have, in the most indirect of ways, led me to a much greater place.  When I think of my life goals and work, I suffer for the best possible result and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not the most traditional person, and so traditional means for getting somewhere just wouldn't fit.  For the most part, I don't tend to repeat processes that don't work, which I suppose is that common sense aptitude kicking in.  So when the frustrating times hit, hindsight may be my greatest friend.  I think things that come too easily are less substantial than the things you sweat and work hard for...Maybe that's why I'm exercising in my dreams alot these days.  So, I've finally relaxed that jaw a bit and moved back into free falling...it certainly takes alot less energy.

It seems that when I spend most of a day not talking, and sending out lazer beams through my eyes, people notice.  The men in my house are demonstrably nicer in a desperate attempt to avoid an eruption.  Today is better.  The clinic is closed on Tuesdays, so although the day is pretty much dedicated to domestic servitude, I don't have to interact with too many people.  There are zen moments that can be found doing laundry or grocery shopping, and I hope it's enough to generate enough peace to face another day of offering healing to a world obsessed with the crisis of the day, which at the moment is the swine flu...I can't even begin to point out the multiple levels of great metaphors this applies to in the present world situation.  I'm holding out on sarcasm for the moment because I'm sure I would clench and choke on it.  Today I still may talk to very few, but I'm determined to avoid the clenching and try to exude a little peace.

I'm giving myself TMJ from clenching my jaw shut.  I'm clenching because the tirade that will ensue isn't fit for human ears, or anything capable of hearing.  There was some Japanese study that photographed water molecules that were subject to awful phrases and sounds.  The molecules became distorted, it was very haunting actually.  Anyway, that is why my jaw hurts.  If I let fly my responses to the plugged toilets, sneaky children, a hypocritical husband, chasing money for services already rendered, and all the other shit that has happened today, I'm sure every water molecule in my body and I'm sure more than a few around me would blacken and wither right before my eyes...a veritable isolated case of armageddon if there ever was one.  So I clench so hard my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head.  This silence is not golden, it is vile and I'm working to find the love, but for now will have to live with the solice that at the very least I'm not adding to the destruction of molecules beyond my own.  Today, I want to be somewhere else.  I won't say "anywhere else" because given my karmic turnaround that phrase would almost guarantee I'd be covered in somthing nasty.

I never wanted a televsion in our bedroom...but my husband gave me one for Christmas one year.  He loves to lay in bed on Sundays and watch sports.  Then he got up in the middle of the night one black friday and faced the hordes of crazed shoppers out to get the best deals and bought another, bigger and better one.  All without any consultation with me, or course, except that he got around it by saying it was a surprise...for me.  Now that I've gotten used to a television in our bedroom and the benefits of DVR, it doesn't matter that I can never watch anything I want when it's actually on, I record it and claim my territory at night when the boys are in bed.  It is the perfect ending to the craziest of times in this world, to become immersed in visual fiction where I can be silent and just watch.  I don't have to justify, lecture, explain, be the vessel of three men venting about various and sundry inequities in their lives.  I can sit, drink tea or wine or whatever the hell else I want and absorb.  My husband absolutely hates it, but I gently remind him that during the daylight hours I am too busy or can't get anywhere near the remote, so being the nightowl that I am, I get one or two nights a week when I stay up late and veg...in my bed, with all things comfortable.  He likes to go to bed real early, so often he'll go to sleep in the guest room and leave me to my "dramas" as he calls it.  I skip through the commercials and delete what is boring or stupid.  I love it, because not a moment is wasted by interuptions from drug companies trying to sell me depression medication, birth control or relief from IBS, or children who are blissfully asleep in their beds.  It was never my idea to have a television in our bedroom, but I have to say, once or twice a week there is something to be said about what a good idea its' been.

It's funny, but during the winter months here, when you go outside there really isn't anything to smell except perhaps deisel fuel and it is very quiet.  Yesterday, we had our first, no jacket, possible sunburn day and beyond the great smells, remarkably one was actual dirt smell, it was really loud.  People were out and about and talking.  I could actually hear the playgrounds at the schools from my house with children laughing and screaming.  There were birds chirping, dogs barking, flocks of geese honking and other great noises that indicated hibernation is really done, not one of those teaser days that get followed by a springtime blizzard.  Winter is done...and boy am I happy about that.  The coats are in the basement and flipflops from the men in my house are blocking the entry way.  Mine are the smallest pair, and if weren't for the fact that they never wear shoes, you would swear that hobbits live in my house because, as you know, hobbits have big feet and eat all the time.  We even made the most important phone call of all...the call to open up the pool.  Hawaiian Tropic is just around the corner!

I know I've mentioned a strong aptitude for common sense before, having tested in the 98% as a gradeschool child.  I think it's necessary to bring it up again just to point out that I'm not prone to embracing ideas that stretch the boundaries of our perception quickly or easily.  If you've read any of this blog, you know that I am a dream walker, of sorts.  I see things that are way beyond my personal experience and often understanding.  Since my dreams are also laden with symbols beyond my own personal subconsious and possible neurosis, I choose not to judge it or place perimeters around it.  It is what it is for now, and will trust that understanding and clarity will come in its own time.  I think sometimes I may be too cavalier in talking about them, so I've felt the need to be more self contained...or maybe it's just that it sounds just too crazy sometimes.  But last night was very disturbing to me.  Most times when I walk in my dreams, it's in areas that are completely foreign to me, with people I could describe in very clear detail, but who I don't know.  Last night was no different, except that I was in the capacity of observer only.  Many times in my ventures, I can interact with people and offer my assistance, help or whatever seems to be neccessary in the moment.  In my dream, there was a young man, who was hung up my his shirt on the entrance to a bridge, and he was overcome with a sense of evil and felt completely powerless to do anything about it.  I watched in horror as the light from his eyes diminished and was replaced by something foreign and diabolical.  I wanted to scream that he was only being fooled, that nothing could overtake him without his permission, but he was never told that the negative force could never hold him, that he was stronger...so he just gave up.  It was devastating to me, and as I awoke, there was before my eyes, a dark haze that I literally watched dissipate before my eyes.  I wasn't afraid, but I did understand how the world will falter and fade into darker forces (and I don't mean beezebub or any of the kind of thing...I just mean darkness in any form you may choose to give it)  We have to know that we can always be stronger that any challenge that faces us if we just choose to believe it.  The young man in my dream who was lost, was about to cross a bringe but got hung up on, I believe the fact that he could see no other option.   His back was to the bridge and because it wasn't in his line of vision he had given up hope and surrendered into the belief that all was lost, thus losing himself to darkness.  I suspect the meaning of this dream is ultimately one of faith, just because a bridge, or another option isn't visible in the moment, doesn't mean it isn't there.  It may be a call to hope in the unseen, and to turn in another direction to see a situation differently.  He could have been saved had he moved panoramically.  He would have seen the bridge, and understood that he was being deceived.  How often do we give up hope because we can't alter and expand our vision and line of sight to a direction that isn't as familiar?  The sad thing is what little movement it demanded, he simply needed to turn around.  In reality, though, I see so often how people are unwilling to move even a millimeter beyond their present beliefs and understand.  Survival and growth demands continual movement...standing still seems to offer nothing but despair.

 

I don't know what I was thinking, but I thought when I had boys, there would be much less drama, fewer hormones and tears.  Boy as I wrong, because I got that in spades!  Actually the sound may be less shrill than girls, but it certainly is louder and now that both are taller they think that standing next to me will somehow intimidate me into submission.  Then I laugh and remind them that I have already conquered adolescence and survived Catholic school, foreign countries, childbirth and a host of other experiences that will always give me the power to reign supreme.  Plus I control access to all things they hold dear...not to mention I can do more pushups than either of them.  It is exhausting, though, watching them push each other's buttons all the time and no matter the anger, they are both just suffering from hurt feelings all the time.  I have to say, I don't find boys any tougher than girls, they just cover it up under all the bravado better.  I know this stage too, will pass...I just hope I make it through without becoming a drunk or brain dead from banging my head against the wall.

No, these days don't always get me down.  Although it was tough facing cold, rainy weather after a weekend of seasonably (finally) warm weather, I guess I don't mind the pause, somehow it keeps me grounded to deal with rain every once in awhile.  The weather has been so dry here, at one point as I was driving my son to baseball practice, our car was surrounded by a dust cloud that completely obstructed my windsheild...Jesus take wheel was an understatement, plus the fact that the wind during practice was so bad that I actually had dirt on my teeth when I got home, it was nasty to say the least.  Internally, it's good to take a moment on those karmic "bad weather" days too.  Although it's impossible for life to run smoothly all the time, where relationships are stretched to the breaking point, it's good to know that the bad times don't last forever either.  This morning I donned my bad weather gear, as well as all my girding my spiritual loins, which for today was "All things shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.  Sometimes the only thing we can do when dirt covers our vision to continue straight ahead and ask the universe to take the wheel.  I hate driving blind, but it is an opportunity to exercise a bit of faith...

Today I can barely function.  I look out the window and daydream about all the great and wonderful things I'm going to do this summer.  The weather is glorious!  No bugs, a cool breeze, bright sunshine and not a bad attitude to be found anywhere.  I can't imagine being in school right now.  I don't believe I'd be able to hold it together, especially knowing that there is actually dry sand on the road...not ice, nor mush, not even the muck from the ground trying to get itself dried out.  The last thing I want to do is work, in an office, with no sunlight streaming in my window.  I want to sit and read in the hammock that I got last summer.  Mind you it's still in the packaging because we couldn't find a tree to attach it to unless I wanted to got into the middle of our woods and I wasn't about to share my comfort with all the creatures out there.  I still get pleasure thinking about it though.  My feet look good and all those spin classes and body pump classes are paying off, so I can get away with warm weather clothing (I know I'm supposed to be above that...smart girls should be, but this one's not).  I want to go out on a boat on the river and see the cherry blossoms just starting to show up on the trees along mainstreet.  I want to toughen up my feet to get ready for poolside and ride my bike like I did when I was twelve.  For this moment all I see is the joy of springtime, all the tax concerns and woes that lingered on from subzero are dissipating before my eyes...Sighing like a school girl, it almost appears as if I'm in love, the endorphines feel the same.  I'm just glad the warm is finally here.

I really, truly believe that the entire frontal lobes of my children are malfunctioning....completely.  The constant name calling and the whining about who got a better birthday present (the dates are two weeks apart) is grating on my last nerve.  I have deprived them of every electronic device  they own, redirected emotions and language, had sit downs and everything else I can think of.  My eldest son said it plainly..."Mom, I hate him right now and I want to beat the crap out of him, I'm just being honest"  The youngest adds fuel to the fire by pushing every button he can think of and then throwing himself on the floor to make it look like he's being attacked.  I have been vascilating between laughing at the absurdity and screaming like a banshee from hell.  I have seriously considered giving them each a knife and forcing them into a fight to the death...my brother-in-law is a mortician, he can pick up the bodies.  It's a messy time and neither will listen to reason or be controlled by consquences.  The most frustrating element is trying to explain to my husband that it isn't necessarily because they are the spawn of Satan or the result of bad parenting, but the hormones that come with puberty.  Independently, they are such great kids, but the mix together is proving to be toxic.  Hopefully when my eldest goes to highschool next year the dymanic will change, but until then who knows....

I was sent a link to a you-tube video from the televisions show "Britain's got talent " in it, a very dowdy looking woman named Susan Boyle auditions with a song from Les Miserables, I Dreamed a Dream.   It was one of those kind of moments that I've often had while watching American Idol, when I leave the room because I can't bear watching a simple tone deaf person become humiliated.  But she wasn't, and she sang it so beautifully.  I actaully cried...at work, I had to show my husband who also choked up as well.  It actually made my day to see someone as simple and ordinary accomplish something extra-ordinary.  It was great to see how she astounded everyone in the audience.  It was brilliant and I hope she wins.  We should never underestimate from whom true talent can emerge.  It was a good cosmic shot in the arm.

I looked down the other day and maybe it was the lighting, I don't know, but my feet looked on the frightening side of gnarly.  I made an appointment right away to get a pedicure and shape them up for strappy sandal season.  Let me slide in a metaphor here.  Sometimes, we don't take care of the very vehicle that moves us forward.  We have expectations of getting where we need to go, but often disregard the mechanics of getting there.  For, me the vehicle that moves me into the future is my faith, and yes I've had expectations about the mechanics that really haven't served the "getting there" very well.  Like the feet that I've taken for granted and really shouldn't because I can't get anywhere physically without them, I've taken my faith for granted too.  Too often I assume that it will take me wherever I demand to go subjugated to my particular belief at the time...which recently, is a lazy, simplistic belief because I don't want to upset my particular apple cart...but on close inspection my faith was as gnarly as my feet.  So it's time to nurture, clean them up scrape them off and highlight it with bright colors.  If my feet can get ready for strappy sandles, so can my faith.  That is truly what resurrection means to me, that the journey continues and reinvents itself to match my growth.  More is expected to those who mature, and the road becomes even more adventurous and at times difficult...so hopefully my feet will be ready and pretty at the same time.

Everywhere I go, I see shades of pastel....and I really hate pastel.  I know Easter is around the corner, hence the reason for the peep yellow and minty greens, bubble gum pink and baby blue, but I still hate it.  A darker side of my personality I guess.  Maybe that's why I would break out in hives every Easter when we had to put on our new Easter Bonnets, that and the fact that I have an abnormally large head and didn't need a big hat to pull any more attention to my mellon.  I know Easter and spring coordinate well with pastels, but I think the event itself demands a stronger color scheme...like grass green and white and sun yellow.  That would be good, and wouldn't sissify the holiday so much.  I know, this sounds like much ado about nothing, but it still really bugs me.  So, the irritating minutia aside, Easter is on Sunday and I join the hosts who flock to church.  Me, I go for the music, for the focus on redemption and renewal, to visit with friends and family and for now, that's it.  I can't really say much more.  Normally I don't shy away from proselytizing my faith, but I'm unsure of so much these days that I'll just free fall for now.

 

Dreamland is full of effort and strange demands, and caution to censor what I say here.

My youngest son is particularly fond of comedy.  He asked me what my favorite comedy was, and the first one that came to mind was "Best In Show."  So we searched for a showing on our movie channels and actually found one to tape, so yesterday afternoon we watched it together.  He was mesmerized that the lines were ad-libbed and we actually laughed at all the same things.  From two left feet to the ventrilaquist blood hound owner.  It was a joy to see his comedic tastes become more sophisticated.  And to think last year, most of his hearty laughter came from bathroom humor.  It was nice to laugh together once in awhile, when lately all I do is yell and impose consequences for bad choices.  It is these small, simple experiences that give me hope that there is life after puberty and his future self will be the remarkable person I know he can be.

Per usual, whenever I seem to wax philosophical, I seem to end up being tested by the universe just to make sure the ideas that I'm sharing are coming from my heart and not out my butt.  While I still stand firm on my opinion on Satan, I do understand how easy it is to buckle under the weight of burdens that build up slowly, one small weight at a time.  So, by yesterday I felt the burden as if I was carrying two of myself around.  I know plenty of my traditional friends say, just hand it over to God.  I think those burdens are there for a reason, and not something evil.  God didn't put them there, so it seems a bit presumptous to expect God to fix it, although I think it is well within God's power to transform any burden into a blessing.  I think the only way to make those important changes to lighten any burden is to feel the hurt and the pain of the load that I took on my own self.  It would be easy to blame something external, but it wouldn't necessarily help the situation at all.  The most difficult task, has been to dissect the load and look at each weight individually.  It seems the best way to lighten the load.  Sure, I accept that I may need help doing so, that is why prayer is so important to me, but God gives us all what we need to release and move on.  But the majority of the work needs to be accomplished by me...kind of like making my bed and lying in it.  It doesn't mean I have to stay here though.....