I reluctantly had a discussion this morning about vaccinations.  Let me just say that one of the conundrums about me is that although I dislike conflict as much as anybody...seriously, as much as getting a tooth filled kind of dislike... I also feel a compulsion to stand up for a greater appreciation for truth.  There must have been a spot on the today show about the relationship between autism and vaccinations.  Now, I won't speak about that specifically because it's been a long time since I made a soul wrenching decision of my own not to have my own children vaccinated.  One, because there were contraindications at the time, and two because once I started researching them...because I never simply do what I'm told because everyone else does it...I was truly shocked at the controversy...legititmate controversy.  I was also appalled at the almost McCarthy-like attitude toward you if you didn't.  Some states won't let your children in school.  What they won't tell you is that after successfully winning a lawsuit against vaccine manufacturers, a percentage of the cost of every lot has to go into a fund to reimburse parents whose children have suffered debilitating side effects from them.  The fund is exhausted all the time, and you are only eligible if your child suffers symptoms within the first 24 hours...most happen within 48 to 72.  I found out that there has never been a vaccines study in the United States, I did read one that was done in Japan in the 70's and once they stopped vaccinating infants the percentage of SIDS death dropped to almost zero.  At the time, there wasn't enough evidence for me to go ahead, there was too much of a sense of the diabolical, meaning too much vested interest in the pharmaceutical companies.  The amount of pressure that is put on parents is astronomical.  Whenever I was challenged...or more acurately judged as immoral, I simply asked if any of them ever took the time to research the issue.  Never once had any of them done so, even the doctors I know who immediately dismissed any research contrary to what they learned in med school.  In a time when the amount of deaths due to medical mistake is equal to six full to capacity jumbo jets falling out the sky every day for a year, I think it is only responsible to question...everything.  I will guarantee you if there were 3 jumbo jet crashes in one year, the airline industry would be hauled on the line and people would certainly pause before they choose to fly.  Why then, do people still blindly hand over their lives to an industry that has a higher risk of killing you than if you were to go to war?  Why then, are people like me villified as unamerican and poor parents simply by asking questions, that challenge the status quo, especially when evidence clearly points to something amiss?  My children are the most important thing to me and I would never put them in harms way due to any ideology.  They are incredibly healthy with solid immune systems.  My eleven year old had the flu for the first time in his life last year.  Neither have contracted any communicable disease except for chicken pox that resulted from a classmate who contracted shingles...FROM HIS CHICKEN POX VACCINE...both my boys got the pox, pretty mildly and most probably will be immune for life, unlike the other boy who will have to continue to get boosters because there is a likely chance he can get it as an adult.  In a time when one of the most virulent viruses on the planet is found in hospitals, the only responsible thing to do is to always research something rather than simply take someone's word for it.  I am not an extremist, rather this is one of the ways my apptitude for common sense roars its firey head.  I don't mean to offend but challenge you to think before you judge someone for their beliefs.  It is never easy to stand in the minority, but in this time of flagrant and irresponsible behavior of corporations, it might just be the thing that will save us all.

My neice in Florida who I love dearly, was the impetus to join facebook.  I was bombarded the first day by so many people that I had lost touch with, from law school, friends from the twin cities and from the highschool I taught at.  It is a bit disconcerting to see IM messages pop up on my screen during the day, but I've grown to appreciate a live chat.  I do feel like have been living in a corner though, missing out on this cool tool for so long.  I've searched and found a few lost friends, and it is amazing the amount of people who actually were searching for me.  Initially I thought that was weird because it feels like at times I've been standing in one place for years, and I should be easy to find...but I suppose one can still hide in plain sight.  Anyway, it's cool to have a place to check in with people. 

 

The new swimming season has begun in full force and I'm pleased to say that Connor made it through the meet without throwing up once.  It almost happened in the car on the way and I simpley asked him what would be different in the world when he woke up the next morning.  When he answered nothing, then I told him that nothing isn't something to worry about.  For some reason it clicked and he was fine the rest of the day.  Afterward, tired and exhausted we arrived home at 7:00 to realize that the neighborhood "spooky path" of which I am a central player was occurring.  Normally, I play the wicked witch around the campfire, and while I fit the wicked and witchy part at the time, there was no way I was going to sit in the woods by a campfire in costume.  So I just came as myself...the modern day witch.  I pretty much kept in that persona the rest of the weekend.  My sons are at the age where everything is stupid and lame, so the German restaurant that my husband was pining for on Sunday didn't really fly.  I was left with the choice between my husband sulking around all day or getting the boys to pretend they were game for something different.  I chose the latter because my husband can act like a petulant child when he doesn't get his way, and generally I'm the one he punishes.  So, I literally dragged, threatened, and cajoled them into the car.  Until we got there it was hell, but the cucko clocks and beer steins all over began to warm them over.  Once Riley realized he could order a sausage plate with just that...sausage, he decided he loved German food afterall.  Connor ate some spaetzle and then took pictures of everything and then scored a free dessert when he told our waitress he needed the pictures for a school project.  On the way home, I still had to ask myself if it was worth it all.  Keeping the peace is an exhausting job, one that I often think I don't do very well...because the amount of yelling that occurs before we achieve the peace somehow feels counter-productive.

 

As for dreamland, lots of watermelon and walking, too weird I know.  I also told my actor friend he needed to become more visceral in his approach, he wasn't happy about it...although he never really is when I have something to say.

"Hey Mom,  what's the mean?"

 

"The middle"

 

A moment passes.

 

"Hey Mom, what's the medium?"

 

"Do you mean 'median? Add all the numbers and divide by the number of people, or the average of a group."

 

Silence for a few minutes.

 

"Just once, could you NOT know the answer"

 

"Ask me something about cars..."

 

"Who invented the automobile?"

 

"Henry Ford?"

 

"AHHHHHHHH!"

 Ok, I am totally excited to have figuired this out...this is a video of my boys competing in the 50 meter.  You see near the end that Connor finally realizes how close his brother is and in the Olympic style of Jason Lizak (sp) he wins.

It seems that I'm taking my frustration these days out on food...not eating it but cooking, baking, cutting, tossing etc.  The men at my house are being very careful not to say anything for fear that speaking would wake me and them from this culninary dream only to realize what they've really been eating all this time is hamburger helper and now have a shelf life of a million years.  They all have begun to make it to the table without a word in anticipation of what they've been smelling.   Last night I made lasagna.  I do admit I can make a lasagna better than almost anybody.  My eldest son confirmed this secret arrogance when he told me that I should seriously think about submitting my recipe to the Betty Crocker bakeoff...how he even knew who Betty Crocker was is amazing enough, but I certainly appreciated the confirmation.  For some reason cooking keeps me occupied enough that I am able wind down after a crazy day, most of the time, though, I'm too tired to enjoy it myself, after swimming and cooking we haven't been sitting down unitl 8:00 to eat.  They seem to sleep well afterward.  Hopefully my inner Betty won't disrupt my ability to hone my acerbic and rapier like wit.  I have a feeling I'm really going to need it in trying to make sense of the coming months.

So my other son called me at work today just to tell me this: "Hey mom, just wanted you to know that oil is down to $70 a barrel...thought that information would help ease any financial anxiety you might be having...Bye"  Hopefully, that kind of behavior will continue throughout his life, and just when I thought I would be voted loser parent of the year...

Major fireworks this week with my youngest son...I actually posted this picture to prove to myself that my youngest, my baby likes me most of the time....except when it comes to homework, then...let me see, so far he's said: "you suck!,"  "I hate you," "you're freakin nuts," "quit screaming at me you crazy woman"  Not to mention the tears, the lies, lies, lies.  The tirade was based on the fact that his class is going to skate city...holy crap, I roller skated in the seventies, he didn't want to hear that either...and can't go unless all his homework is done.  Which its not.  And he's panicked.  And I don't care.  He can be the sweetest kid, but when it comes to stuff he doesn't like to do, well strong willed is an understatement.  But, homework comes first in our house...hopefully he'll figure it out by next year, when he can't play sports unless he gets his work done.  Until that time, he'll have to suffer me sitting next to him staring my darth vader stare and poking him with a pencil...

Ok, I admit that we all had a late start this morning because we stayed up late watching the commentary on the debates, and as I was fighting off a flurry of fruitflies that were hovering over the banana peels and apple cores that somehow never got into the garbage that was literally six inches away, I turned around to see EVERY MAN IN MY HOUSE STANDING AROUND IN THE KITCHEN EATING THEIR BREAKFAST STARK NAKED.  Even my youngest son, whom I was sure had more of my genes when it came to decorum.  So I'm like, "Man...there is too much physical information in this room right now...GET SOME CLOTHES ON!  My oldest son gives me a sarcastic look and says, "God mom, chill...we woke up late and I wanted to make sure I had something to eat first."  Which, if he only had time to do one thing before he caught the bus would make sense...except he certainly didn't plan on going to school naked.  So I started to take off my boxer shorts to make it look like I was going to join them in all their natural beauty, and boy did that get them moving.  My youngest son practically choked on his cereal and as he and his older brother ran to the laundry room yelling all the while, "Are you trying to ruin me for life woman!"   I replied, "Now you know how I feel."   My husband, dork of the universe stayed right where he was and said in his best Joey voice, "How you doin..."  To which I threw the cold washcloth at his privates...

I came home Monday night exhausted from a very long day.  For the most part, I felt like a bar tender.  It seemed that everyone was full of woes: financial, health, relationships, and everything in between.  If I could have offered them a shot or a beer before their adjustments, I would have.  So what could I do, but listen, nod my head and offer hopeful suggestions.  Things will get better...but the weight of all the negativity and hopelessness will take its toll if we aren't careful.  I focus alot on breathing and on helping people look at the potential positive results of their independent crises.  I was drained, though after dragging myself home after the boys swim practice, so I vegged out and watched some of the programs that I have on the DVR....

 

So, after watching several episodes of Prison Break back to back, I have to say I got bored of all the action stunts and close calls.  The occasional lightness, all 29 seconds of it, was a highlight.  What was missing was actual good conversation...the kind of conversation that most of us waste time in everyday, that deepens relationships and exposes why we do what we do.  Not that it has to turn into feel good moments or become a soap opera, but given the task they've embarked upon, there has to be those moments that fill us in on who these people are and why...I mean not just to escape prison why, but really what is compelling these people.  For example, the short conversation that the computer geek had with Alex about the assassin was incredibly short, simple, yet thought provoking.  Why not include a late night conversation with Michael and Sara?  What about Alex and Lincoln talking, beyond the occasional monosyllabic remark, or see a growing respect between Michael and agent Self.  Surely Lincoln has grown in depth since his incarceration...then let us see it.  It need not be drawn out, but at least I wouldn't be so bored.  I gather in the future, we see Michael and Gretchen working together...I want to see, beyond a steely expression how this HAS to be tearing Michael up...this is karma for all his crimes, even if done to further his ultimate goal.  How will all the collateral damage affect the final outcome?  In order for what ever happens to be believable, it has to be a part of the development of the story, like in any stages of moral development.

 

On a lighter note, in dreamland last night, I had this incredible opportunity to buy this amazing pair of sandals...sometimes the mundane can be so refreshing.

When things go beyond coincidence and randomness into some kind of syncratic pattern I tend to take notice.  There is a song that I hear, everywhere.  Most often it is when I'm in the car on multiple radio stations, but I also hear it on TV, ipods, stores etc.  I hear it everyday, and usually more than once every day.  At first I thought it was a song that they are just simply playing to death at the same times every day, but because I never hear it at the same time or place it seemed to move into the land of creepy.  I began to wonder if I should just listen to the lyrics and entertain the possibility that I could learn something from them.  It is heavy on a romantic theme, so I don't really get it at this time, perhaps, though I will in the future. 

 

I also, in the face of a rainy day, took my eldest son to see the movie, "Eagle Eye."  While an interesting thriller, it did make me wonder if it simply encourages wide spread paranoia, or if I having been living in a bubble.  There doesn't seem to be a middle ground when thinking about big brother watching you.  It is true there are cameras pretty much everywhere, whether for secrutiy or traffic.  I'm more concerned about the pattern of behavior it encourages.  Does it mean real privacy doesn't exist anymore?  What does that do to the human psyche?  Everyone of us needs a protective place out of the watchful eyes of the world to simply relax and be our flawed imperfect selves, without being held to unfair scrutiny.  Does it mean that we will stop speaking out, or filter our conversations out of fear of repercussions?   Since I wasn't born with the filtering system most people seem to have, I can't help myself when it comes to speaking my mind...what will that mean?  Certainly it would be safe to say that I could never be in politics, given the present climate for taking a phrase out of context and using a candidates own words to attack them, or the penchant I have of late of stretching conceptual boundaries into other types of meaning and existence.  Perhaps the best we can expect is to throw out who we are and never attempt to hide anything, it takes a great deal of the burden off our shoulders while encouraging the kind of behavior that you would be comfortable with people knowing about.

 

Dream land has been busy as usual, I dreamt I was moving down a city street unencumbered by traffic, and there was an old man in robes throwing salt before my path.  The next night I dreamt of skipping a sand dollar out into a lake only to have it come right back to me...like a boomerang.

It just appears to me the world is getting...well, mental.  Beyond the idiotic political ads that we are inundated with that are steeped with inuendo and falsehoods and never say anything of much substance whatsoever, we also have to contend with a new influx of get rich quick schemes, and ways to avoid paying off debt.  I know that there is a bit of panic going on out there.  The mistake, though, is to think that it's because there isn't enough of whatever it is we think we have to have to survive.  There is.  Seriously, there is.  Sure, there has to be better distribution of goods, and more protection of the environment, but most importantly, we have to get our own heads around the fact that most of what we have, we really don't need.  I just want to shout "Stop freaking out and take a breath" not because I'm so mean, but because freaking out never helped anybody and it encourages people like Sarah Palin to start spewing crap about terrorists and such...she just bugs me sooooo much...This country has faced tough times before, it really is an opportunity to get rid of all sorts of crap we don't need and start building some new foundations for the future.  I just keep saying that all things shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.

Here's the thing, no one likes to be messed with, or silenced.  The amazing thing though, is that truth can never be contained...it will get out eventually.  The harder one tries to silence someone or close them off from the world, the greater the desire is to escape and the more unmanagable they can become.  I'm like that.  To me, speaking to the world through this medium is a priviledge, and I honor that priviledge, hopefully, by sharing thoughts that will offer hope.  I can't control people who don't honor the priviledge, though.  They have no meaning for me...they will never affect how I see the world and I hold no responsibility to or for them.  I am responsible only for who I tame, and that can only happen through all five senses...not through the internet.  So all you takers out there, you won't lock me in or wear me down.  My universe doesn't work that way.  Whatever you put out there will come back to you....eventually.

I watched the vice-presidential debates last night, yes because I was curious to see how Sarah Palin would perform...emphasis on perform.  She was perky and folksy, but as uninformed as I anticipated she would be.  What I found alarming was that so many people thought she did well.  She didn't crash and burn, but she didn't say anything that proved to the Amercan people that she knew anything beyond what her prepmasters had instructed her to say.  When pressed on details, McCain's record, the role of the vice-president, the morgage crisis, she kept deflecting back to energy and other issues she was comfortable with.  She messed up on a general's name, and used the phrase, "John McCain and I are mavericks" so many times, my eyes began to role back into my head.  I don't like the folksy tone, and I certainly don't think it would garner her credibility abroad, or in Washington.  The fact the John McCain has been a "Washington type" for over 30 years seem to escape her when she chastized Biden for the same thing.  I don't think she smart enough for the job, she is funny and has a good stage presence, but I sincerely don't think she knows enough about the world to be in position to hold enough of an informed opinion to debate any issue with McCain.  Obama can be sure that Joe Biden will have an informed opinion about any issue that may arise during his presidency.  Palin would have to refer to Wikipedia before she could answer a simple question about foreign policy.  The bottom line is that I think the bar was set so low for Sarah Palin that she just needed to keep her cool and use a couple of multi-syllabic words and she'd be considered successful.  I remember how high the bar was set for Geraldine Ferraro back when she was on the ticket with Dukakis, she never would have gotten away with being cute and folksy, or an everyday American for that matter.  We don't need someone who can look good under pressure...we need someone who can BE good under pressure.

It appears to me that the general tenor of things in the world are bleak.  The tenor of dreamland, however, is distinctly different.  It is filled with rising up to new heights, tall colossal buildings, invitations to celebrate new connections.  If I've learned anything at all in this life, it is not to judge too quickly the scarey moments that precipitate change...especially change that is thrust upon us.  It may be the very thing that was necessary to get us moving.